Thursday, February 25, 2010

Complicated!

Today was a hard day for me, i don't think i have felt like crying more than today in a while! I feel like things just keep piling up and up and now I'm crumbling.

*This morning as i was changing Jesus's gauze it looked red and swollen (granulation tissue) i just feel like i could have done something to make him not go threw this, then i started feeling like i wish i could just be his mom and he didn't need surgery, and i could just enjoy his first year of life without thinking of what we can be missing. That lead to me feeling guilty about having those feelings because i am blessed to have him and i should not have those feelings!

*He started having diarrhea today, at first it was just some i didn't think anything of it and as the day progressed he had more and more (in differant diapers) until in the 5th one he was laying on a puddle of diarrhea. i cleaned him up quickly and thought wow i did not see that coming! i thought it was just lose stool, (the thing is Jesus has constipation not diarrhea) how could i have not noticed that he was going threw something, so once again i call the nurse line and after talking to the doctor she says that we are just going to give it a few days but that he may have dumping syndrome! I'm just hoping its nothing serious.

*I have to then go on and listen to someone (not going to say who for privacy reasons) tell me that another mom was really happy that her child did not have the same syndrome as my son. Well my son does have it and i don't want to hear how happy other parents are or are not happy about what my son has!

*I feel i need a break but i don't want to have to need a break i want to just be able to handle everything on my own!

9 comments:

Kelly said...

I am so sorry you had a rough day! RTS is tough...but luckily we have each other to lean on.
Keep sharing how you feel~it will help!!

Love,
Kelly W.

Myssie said...

Sometimes we have days where RTS stands for Really Tough Shit! So sorry you had one of those days. The first year is tough, but you will make it through. You have all of the RTS Mamas for support, we are here for you.

Hugs...

Alicia said...

So sorry you had a rough day. I hope things clear up and he does not have dumping syndrome.

I have read your whole blog and wanted to say you have a beautiful family! Esmeralda is beautiful (and funny, I love the 3 hands story!) and Jesus is so cute! I love his hair!

I'm looking forward to checking in on you guys and meeting up with you someday.

Kristi said...

First of all I'm so sorry someone was so insensitive to say that to you. The first year is very tough. I had the same feelings you had and they are normal. You just want to be a mom but you are also so much more. Feel your feeling without feeling guilty and work through them. Second, you can't do everything on your own. You need breaks. I find that the breaks I take make me a better mom. You are not superwoman. You have to take care of you too. Thinking of you and hoping tomorrow is brighter. Hugs to you.

Cindy said...

Hugs, Angelica. Big, long hugs.

There was no way I could have blogged the first year of Natalie's life because I was so overwhelmed with cleaning up reflux every few hours and pessimistic about the future and made at God about what he'd given me. The fact that you're sharing your feelings with others, including those of us you've never met, is a great sign of how far ahead you are!

It is INCREDIBLY hard the first year, but if the light at the end of the tunnel can help you, it gets better in the second year. I sent that book a couple days ago that I'd promised and I hope it encourages you during this difficult time...I wish I'd had it Natalie's first year!

Your children are beautiful and they are both blessed to have a wonderful mother.

PrincessDipti said...

hey dear.. wud u mind if i'll say that plz leave some comments on any of my blog posts? not in the chatterbox.. but in the posts itself.. if u dont mind.. i need it for my grade. :) thanks a lot.. i'll be looking forward for your comment :)

and plus you're most welcome to be my follower. hehe. ur choice..

Christine said...

ANGELICA,

I so understand what you are going through. As all these other RTS mom's have stated, the first year is HELL. I hated everything about what was going on in my life. I hated that my son was suffering so much. I never thought I'd get through it! I was Mad at God! I would often think, "why did he pick on my little Nathan? What has he ever done to deserve this?
I didn't take breaks for a LONG time and when I did I felt extremely guilty but I was also very tired and had a little girl that needed me too. The only way that I could be the best Mom that I could be was to make time for myself- i enjoy that time now and look forward to it every month.
It's normal to feel the way you do. Please keep sharing your feelings with us. It will help you during this difficult first year. Hugs

CHristine

Sawyer said...

I totally understand how you feel. The first year for us was so rough! I feel like things are just starting to now turn around. I am a lot like you feeling guilty for not being able to handle everything, but taking breaks is what keeps me sane and helps me to be able to handle RTS and everything that goes along with it. You are doing the best you can and you are a great mom!

Anonymous said...

You, maybe, were mistaken?