Sunday, April 11, 2010

I want to be stronger!

This year has been a hard year and just when i think things cant get worse they seem to get worse so now I'm going to stop thinking things cant get worse, I'm going to cry, I'm going to try and talk and then I'm going to keep picking myself up and just hope i have enough strength for the next challenge.

Recently I had a miscarriage I didn't even know i was pregnant and that's what hurt so bad not letting my baby know that i loved it! i wasn't able to talk about this with many because the pain is unexplainable. Now the pain is still there and I'm hoping that writing and talking will help!

today I honestly felt like i was about to lose Jesus, he turned purple was unresponsive and for the first time i dialed 911 without knowing if my son would be alive a second later! i cant explain how much life can change in one second. Thankfully he is doing good, he is alive and happy and i cant thank God more for keeping my son in this earth for letting me have my 2 wonderful kids.

yes this year has been hard with everything from flood, to surgeries, to hospitalization and etc. but we are alive and only God knows why he didn't let us have our 3rd baby, and i will cry i will cry a lot at night when the kids are asleep then when I'm done crying I'm going to pick myself up and pray for strength for whatever comes next!


claudia said...

i love u

Christine said...

My dear friend,

I am so sorry for all the pain that you have experienced- No doubt it has been a VERY difficult year. You have been through so much- I just want to give you a big hug!
Please know that I am here for you. I am so happy that Jesus is doing well and that everything is okay. What a scary thing to happen.
I'm glad that you decided to "talk" about your miscarriage. It's a deeply emotional and sad. I experienced it myself a few months ago and the hurt and sadness was beyond anything I had ever experienced. Your baby knew that you loved him/her and you will meet again one day... Everyone deals with grief differently, talking about it is a good thing, so please feel free to talk with me at anytime. I purchased a special charm for my lost baby and I wear it everyday- For me that gave me a sense of closure and a way to remember my little one. A few of my friends have special plants in their gardens and they flower and are growing better than other plants.
I hope you feel better, hugs and more hugs.

Nicky said...

Dearest Anjelica,

I don't think you realise just how very strong you already are. I think that Christine's sentiment about buying the special charm for her lost baby is so very precious and such a wonderful idea. I pray that you will find a way through both the loss of your little angel and the scare of losing Jesus too.

Love, hugs and kisses


Cindy said...

Hugs, Angelica. You are very strong and even when we're strong, we need lots of crying. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and I pray for you as you grieve. Praise God for protecting little Jesus! He is such a precious gift and I'm so glad he brightens your days.

Kristi said...

I honestly wish I was right there with you to give you a hug. You have gone through so much this year. Your strength you have already amazes me. I will be praying for more answers for Jesus and for things to get easier.. Hugs to you.

lpepe said...

Dearest Angelica.

You are so not alone and I know that you realize that. I have never left a comment on a blog before so I hope it takes. I have to agree with the other comments that you are so much stronger than you think. Why do I know? Because have felt like you and realize, like you will, that you are strong. The Lord only gives us what we can handle and while I do ask Him if He is SURE I'm strong enough, He always says Yes. LOL!

I had to take my RTS Lovie to the ER when she was about 10 mo old. My husband was out of town and all turned out fine by the Grace of God. I also had a miscarriage in 2/2009. We were 7 weeks along. I guess because of my age and other friends having gone through it I sort of prepared myself for the thought if it ever happened. I knew the Lord felt He needed that little Soul back with Him for some very special need and we would all be fine. So, we believe that our Baby #4 is in Heaven praying for us as your Baby is praying for you and waiting for the time when the Lord brings you all together again. I cried and my big girl (5 yrs at the time) had to understand what happened because we let her read our pregnancy test so she knew a baby was on the way all along. She had a tough time and for months would say, “I want Jesus to put the baby back in your tummy!” Her tone went from angry to just a peaceful statement over time. Then, she accepted that Our Lord knows best even if it can make us sad.

Now, we are expecting again and due in May 2010 and for the first few months, our daughter kept saying that Jesus was going to take the baby back Home. We understood why she would say this. For me, the miscarriage was painful both physically and mentally. I guess the grace of it was that I had our other three children to tend to so it would sort of buffer the thoughts until late when I was alone. You will be fine and remember His Plans are perfect. We may not understand but we must have faith in that fact.

Praying for you and your family!
Mom to Gianna-RTS, 2 others and one in the tummy

P.S. Sorry this was so long! LOL!

Tarah said...

I'm so sorry! You have been through so much but you continue to pick yourself back up. You are such a strong person, I admire you. I'm sorry things have been so rough, things will get better soon. Praying for you and your family.